I’ve ventured into the world of even healthier eating and let me tell you, it can be a scary, judgmental, exhausting place. Suddenly everything gives you cancer and you’re a horrible person if you buy non organic. I’ve found that I’m somewhere in the middle of people who don’t know or care anything about nutrition and people who are fucking obsessed with it and want the whole world to know about it.
So we have the health jerk nuts…
“Did you make sure this was organic? Don’t you want to help the environment? Do you even know how toxic pesticides are to the body? Where is your tote?”
I’m poor and I just wanted a pepper. I promise when I’m a bajillionaire I’ll buy an organic farm and pay everyone double their average wage. And I’m sorry I don’t carry my fucking tote everywhere I go. Jeebus.
“You’re actually going to buy those crackers? They don’t have a “non-GMO” label on them. Here buy these, they cost three times as much but you’ll feel so much better about it.”
And on the other side, non health nuts group you in with these health freaks and turn you into one of them.
“Oh they’re selling vegan, gluten free, sugar free cookies. You’re skinny, I bet you would just love those.”
I’ve never heard of a more depressing cookie.
“Why don’t you eat meat? Humans are meant to eat meat you know. You need a steak, you look a little peaked.”
I’m sorry is there a sign above my head that says, “I’m trying to make a political statement”?
I’m just having an experience with this non fat Greek yogurt.
Guys I honestly forgot what the point of that first section was. Oh yes, now I remember it veered tremendously. But it took a long time so I’m keeping it. The point of that intro was sugar, I know it was never brought up. That’s my bad. See those people talking in the intro, those aren’t people that I know, even though I’m sure they exist. They’re the two nutritional sides of myself, well that last one is probably more my dad but whatever.
It’s like I’ve got my “id’ side wondering why I’m bothering with all this healthy eating crap, just wanting to eat whatever tastes good. Paired with my douchey, judgemental “superego” making me second guess every food decision I make. Meanwhile my “ego,” who apparently identifies as a young male, is caught in the middle wondering what the hell to do.
So that brings me to sugar and this post. I used to make something similar to this coffee brittle concoction in high school before I became crazy health conscious. It had been years since I made it and I all of a sudden got the urge for it. But that judgmental side of me didn’t hesitate for a second.
“You’re going to make what? Candy!? Do you know how much refined sugar is going to be in that? I guess you could make it sugar free, but that would mean artificial sweeteners and those are supposed to be even worse!”
Finally I got sick of myself for making myself feel guilty for wanting to consume sugar. It doesn’t make me a bad person and it’s not going to be what kills me.
You know what’s going to kill me? Stressing about every possible thing that could potentially kill me.
So here’s my coffee brittle recipe. Yes it has sugar, yes it has calories, and yes I’m deciding it’s guilt-free. And super yes to the question of how crazy I am.
1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup strong coffee
pinch of salt (no more than 1/8 tsp)
1 tsp baking soda
1 tbsp crushed coffee beans (ground are fine)
1 tbsp butter
Prep your butter, crushed beans, baking soda, and salt. Also have a baking sheet covered in parchment or wax paper ready.
Add your sugar and coffee in a pot over medium low heat and stir until dissolved.
After the sugar has dissolved increase the heat to medium high and stir continuously until it reaches 300°. Try not to splash too much on the sides of the pot, but if you do you can use a wet pastry brush to wash down the sugar granules. Depending on how high you have your heat it should take about 5 minutes.
As soon as it reaches 300° remove from heat.
If you don’t have a thermometer don’t worry. Get a class of water and periodically drop some of the mixture into the water. If it hardens immediately and you hear a cracking sound, you’re good to go. You should be able to pull it out and feel that it’s crunchy.
Immediately add your beans/soda/salt and butter. Stir until combined.
As soon as everything is combined pour it out onto your covered sheet. It should spread out pretty much on its own but you can help it out with your spoon if you need.
Allow to harden. I forgot to time the cooling 30-60 minutes should be fine. If it doesn’t harden after that then you didn’t cook it high enough. You can try and put it back on the stove and recook it, but there’s no guarantees with that.
Break apart and store in an airtight container.